


different shades of brown

by hoodiestrings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Colours, Fluff, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, and a lot of gushing over dan, brown and its shade, for dan's birthday, i have no idea how to tag this, really its mostly fluff, thats it i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24539059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoodiestrings/pseuds/hoodiestrings
Summary: Since 2009, Dan has been different versions of himself, and Phil has loved every single one of them.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47





	different shades of brown

**Author's Note:**

> dan has grown so much as a person since he was 18 to be the person he is today. so this is an early birthday gift from me to him as i may not be able to update tomorrow. i hope he never sees this.
> 
> ( inspired by a prompt on pinterest: 'explain your otp in colours')

Phil falls in love slowly, surely, until it drowns his entire being. ' _Dan'_ was just a name, a username behind his screen, someone who liked his videos and told him so. But then he became so much more. He has loved Dan since 2009, since he was 22 and fresh out of university. A lot of things were unsure back then: what the future of YouTube is going to be, what _his_ future is going to be. But Dan … Dan was the only constant in his life, the only thing he was sure about.

It's 2020 now, a little over 10 years. Phil's 33, and Dan has blossomed a million times to be the best version of himself that he is today. 

Phil still loves him, and he is still the only constant in Phil's life.

  
  


**_mocha_ **

  
  


The first time Phil met Dan, at the train station, the day was cold enough. His heart was thudding and it stuttered to a stop when Dan came into view. He was _beautiful,_ all straightened brown hair and golden brown skin, soft full lips and deep dimples on either cheeks. And when he hugged him, it felt like Phil was home after years of being away. 

But all Phil could look at was his eyes, his beautiful, brown eyes, which were hidden behind his fringe, fixed on the ground.

_shy, broken —_

— by so many demons again and again that he had blood crusted where he was supposed to join his pieces. Phil ached, he still aches, when he thinks about the scars Dan carries in his heart. The marks on his skin have faded now, but they were _there._ They _were there_ and it affected Phil as much as it affected Dan.

He remembers,

"Phil?"

Phil had looked at him, at the way Dan's eyes were fixed on him and felt his heart flutter. And then he had leaned down and him and Phil had kissed him back before Dan could even second guess himself.

He felt free.

But then Dan's hands were trembling and he pulled back. His eyes were going red around the edges. "Phil," he said, and his voice was trembling "Phil, I'm sorry —"

But Phil was kissing him again, and again, until all he could feel was the shape of Dan's mouth under his, the taste of his lips, the softness pressed against him. "I like you," he had mumbled against Dan's lips and Dan's hands were around his neck, pulling him close, making soft, content noises which sent heat spiraling through his body.

He didn't say it back, but Phil still understood.

  
  


**_caramel_ **

  
  


They were in Jamaica and the sunlight fell across Dan like a halo. He was nothing short of an angel, and Phil was still so, so in love with him. He told him so, and Dan blushed and ducked his head and said it back, and all Phil could do was stare at him with fond eyes.

Dan smiled a lot there, the most Phil had ever seen him. _It's because I'm here with you,_ Dan had confessed shyly, and Phil had kissed him again. 

_soft —_

_—_ that's all Phil could think, when they were hidden behind a bush with lips moving desperately against each other, away from all the YouTubers, when their bodies were pressed flushed in their hotel room, eyes on each other rather than the sunset and the sea outside their window.

"Make love to me," Dan had panted against his mouth, and Phil had looked at him until Dan giggled and said, "I'm _sure,_ Phil. I'm _ready._ "

So, Phil did, and all he could think was how beautiful Dan looked, spread before him, under him, panting his name. 

He was gentle, loving and all his pleasured brain could think was _Dan, Dan, Dan._ They rocked together, like the waves in the sea visible outside their window, gentle and sure and constant. They both had finished with a blissed sigh of the other's name.

_He has changed so much,_ Phil thought once Dan was curled up on his chest, asleep, _changed for the better._

Earlier that day, Amy had poked Dan's dimple and said, "You're adorable."

But Dan shook his head and pressed his face against Phil's shoulder and let out a 'I'm not', muffled against the fabric of his T-shirt. And later when Phil repeated what Amy said, Dan laughed and rolled his eyes, "Shut up."

"I meant it." Phil insisted, and would have argued further, but Dan leant down and kissed him, swallowing any protests from his lips.

So, yes, he was still unbelieving, but he was all soft smiles and crinkled eyes, and Phil honestly never wanted anything else.

  
  


**_coffee_ **

  
  


2012 was not the best year. Everything was too much. Each liveshow were filled with questions, each tumblr ask demanded answers they weren't entitled to. Dan was in shambles and his mind was divided. Phil held him every night, holding back his own tears as Dan broke apart. 

_scared, bitter —_

— Phil thought, fingers tangled in Dan's hair. The younger was shaking, curled up in his arms, his sobs so loud not even the darkness of the night could consume them. Phil hates this, the state he was reduced to. Just a year ago, he was happy. Nervous for the future, but happy. And now, it was like a switch had been flipped. 

"I'm not ready to answer … _anything._ " Dan had whimpered, pained, choked from the lump in his throat and tears in his eyes.

Phil's answer had been quick, "Then don't."

But it was easier said than done. Dan stayed away from him on camera, and under him once the lens darkened. _I'm scared they'll say stuff about you,_ Dan had confessed one night, and both his body and his thoughts were bare, laid open for Phil to see and devour.

Phil had felt his heart soften. He smiled, dipped down to kiss him. 

They'll be just fine.

**_umber_ **

  
  


It was months of crying and screaming and hiding inside each other's arms, months of refusing to make a sound unless they were trapped inside their bedroom. That was what their relationship was reduced to, meaningless sex and sobs on the other's shoulders during night. Then, one day, Dan trudged into the kitchen and his face was set. He plopped down on Phil's lap, arms around his neck.

"I love you," Dan had whispered, almost fiercely, almost desperately. 

Phil had smiled, let his hands reach up to cradle the younger's face between them. He kissed him, lips moving slow and fond after months of pent up love that was continuously being overshadowed by the lust and the fear and bitterness brimming under the surface.

"I am going to be _myself,_ " Dan had said, emotions swimming in his eyes "the _best version_ that I could be. _I promise._ "

Phil believed him, of course he did. And Dan didn't disappoint him.

_brave —_

— Phil had whispered days later, when Dan was drinking a new Starbucks coffee he was too scared to try. _Scared of changes,_ Phil could relate. But that stopped him from being the best version of what he could be. So there was Dan, taking baby steps towards the near future, a future where he is himself and happy with who he has turned out to. 

"Can I top tonight?" Dan had asked almost shyly, that night. And even if Phil didn't like bottoming, he agreed, gasping when Dan sunk into him, knuckles white, fists clenched, face twisted in love, pleasure, fondness and admiration all at once.

  
  


**_chocolate_ **

  
  


Dan has grown so much, into a million different Dans to be the _Daniel Howell_ he is today. Phil's eyes sweep over him, from the curls on his head to his nails painted white, to the oversized jumper hanging off of his frame to his long legs and his soft thighs visible due to his shorts hitching up. He has a cake in his hand, chocolate, which he is devouring like it's the best thing in the world.

Which … it isn't.

"You know it's overbaked, right?" Phil says, voice hushed and ashamed.

But Dan only shrugs and smiles, and continues eating it. That means so much more than he could imagine. When Phil had thought, _hey, it's Dan's birthday, let me bake him a cake_ , he didn't think it would come out of the oven with a blackish tint. But it did. And it tastes like ... well, _burnt cake._

Phil looks at the small smile still on Dan's lips and is reminded of him on Skype 10 years ago, laughing into his fist because he didn't like his laugh. He laughs louder now, more freely, and there are crinkles around his eyes, an evidence of him being happy. Phil doesn't _want_ anything more than Dan's loud laughter and the way he stands up straight and the way he has accepted himself. He is not perfect, but in Phil's eyes, he is the closest to perfect he could get.

"Phil?"

Phil looks at Dan, almost in question. 

Dan has finished eating, and he is looking at him bashfully with his cheeks tinted red. "You are staring at me."

But Phil notices the way he preens, stretching his legs and widening his eyes ever so slightly. He has an effortless effect on him, and he knows this. He has always known it. But seeing him so confident, so sure in himself and the fact that Phil wants him sends a surge of warmth through his chest.

_beautiful_ —

— Phil tells him, watches the blush on his cheeks darkening. He shifts, and faces the brunet. Their lips meet and it's tender and sweet and everything and _more_ Phil has ever wanted. Phil presses his palm against the sturdy beating of Dan's heart, and feels himself falling again for the millionth time, each time a little more than the last.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Phil confesses, pulling back and staring into his eyes.

It's not a proposal, not yet. But Dan's eyes are wet and his voice is shaky but sincere when he says, 

"Me too."

  
  


_10 years and a million versions, but Dan has always smelt like warmth._

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! i might make a phil one too, who knows? thanks for reading x


End file.
